Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Stress Less
Stress for me, always got the better of me. Here, Sinaia and I discuss managing the chaos.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Podcast #1 on positivity
Here we share some tips and tools on how to stay positive when things are hard.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
My Mom's Advice
I made this video after I heard about Amanda Todd, a girl who was bullied so much, she took her own life. I hope that whoever watches this, whether parent, teen, adolescent, whatever, can get something out of it. My mom always knew how to word things very well and she had a way of instilling wisdom in us that stayed throughout the years. I wish I could've told Amanda that life would get better and that there could be hope for the future.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Friday, September 7, 2012
The Myth of Being Perfect
I know I'm not the only one that can be really hard on myself. The pressure's always there to be perfect in all parts of life. The wife, the mother, the daughter, the coach, the everything...
In high school, I was constantly disappointed in myself for not being the person I wish I was. What I did to myself was completely unrealistic and completely unfair. It was a vicious cycle of feeling useless and worthless.
I learned slowly how to actually like and appreciate myself. I have accepted that I'm not always going to be great at everything and I'm not always going to make everyone happy. It's OK that I'm going to mess up and at the end of the day- everything is going to be fine.
Here are some different ways I got my life headed in the direction I wanted:
1. No more toxic friendships- I got sick and tired of spending time with people that made me feel down right bad about myself and spent my time with people that actually brought me up and made me happy.
2. Start taking responsibility- At the end of the day it was up to me and the choices I made- If I was still feeling miserable and down it was up to me to take responsibility and if I wanted to feel better about myself I had to take action to get there.
3. Lower expectations of myself- I had to be realistic and realize that trying to be perfect at everything was just not going to happen. I learned to feel good knowing that I just tried my best.
4. Lower expectations of others without judgement- The less I expected from others, (but at the same time recognized that people were human), the less disappointed I was at their short comings.
5. Keep a tight grip on your dreams- No matter how bad things seemed, I still tried to hold on to things I aspired to do in life. I had to have faith that it could happen one day.
6. Take risks (big or small)- Pushing myself to do things that scared the heck out of me, made a huge impact on my life. I would have never known the feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction without taking the risk to begin with.
7. Be grateful- I started listing all the things I was thankful for. Small, silly things and then bigger things. This is still something I do each and every night.
And all this lead to the most valuable thing...
8. Self awareness- It's the thing that makes us stop and think for a second, "Am I being fair to myself right now?" or, "Are my expectations really realistic at this moment?"
In the end, this list had a major part in helping me. I hope that it's helpful for those who struggle with being too hard on themselves or striving to be perfect all the time.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
In high school, I was constantly disappointed in myself for not being the person I wish I was. What I did to myself was completely unrealistic and completely unfair. It was a vicious cycle of feeling useless and worthless.
I learned slowly how to actually like and appreciate myself. I have accepted that I'm not always going to be great at everything and I'm not always going to make everyone happy. It's OK that I'm going to mess up and at the end of the day- everything is going to be fine.
Here are some different ways I got my life headed in the direction I wanted:
1. No more toxic friendships- I got sick and tired of spending time with people that made me feel down right bad about myself and spent my time with people that actually brought me up and made me happy.
2. Start taking responsibility- At the end of the day it was up to me and the choices I made- If I was still feeling miserable and down it was up to me to take responsibility and if I wanted to feel better about myself I had to take action to get there.
3. Lower expectations of myself- I had to be realistic and realize that trying to be perfect at everything was just not going to happen. I learned to feel good knowing that I just tried my best.
4. Lower expectations of others without judgement- The less I expected from others, (but at the same time recognized that people were human), the less disappointed I was at their short comings.
5. Keep a tight grip on your dreams- No matter how bad things seemed, I still tried to hold on to things I aspired to do in life. I had to have faith that it could happen one day.
6. Take risks (big or small)- Pushing myself to do things that scared the heck out of me, made a huge impact on my life. I would have never known the feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction without taking the risk to begin with.
7. Be grateful- I started listing all the things I was thankful for. Small, silly things and then bigger things. This is still something I do each and every night.
And all this lead to the most valuable thing...
8. Self awareness- It's the thing that makes us stop and think for a second, "Am I being fair to myself right now?" or, "Are my expectations really realistic at this moment?"
In the end, this list had a major part in helping me. I hope that it's helpful for those who struggle with being too hard on themselves or striving to be perfect all the time.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Me? Drama queen?
When I was a teenager the amount of insecurity I felt was kind of insane. Thinking about myself at that age is like thinking about a stranger. As a teen girl we all deal with our insecurities differently. Some bully as a way to release some of that anger and sadness, some act like class clown so that at least they can make people laugh, some act really promiscuous- any attention is better then none...
I did my best to avoid the opposite sex. I was insecure, but I was very shy as well. So shy that male attention made me feel uncomfortable. I would see girls around me make fools of themselves in front of boys because they were starving for any reaction. They NEEDED that male attention, like they needed sleep or food. They thought it was going to make them feel better about themselves, but they were doing things that would be wake up calls later and things they would really regret. When my friends were hanging out with guys (we went to an all girls school) I would make up an excuse and not go. I don't know if part of the reason why I didn't try to feed my insecurity with any male attention was because I grew up with so many brothers or what. All I know is that I fed my insecurity by just being miserable, depressed, withdrawn and moody.
I had VERY strong intense crushes and infatuations with boys. Most of my journals are filled with pages and pages of my dramatic (and very funny) feelings, but I couldn't act on it or flirt or anything. At times I would find myself getting very jealous when girls were so confident and composed.
I try to educate girls on staying strong and not ignoring themselves and their instincts if at any time they feel uncomfortable. If a part inside is whispering that they might be doing something they'll regret. But we don't always do and sometimes it backfires. My heart goes out to girls that make mistakes and then are forever called names for making them. The guy gets forgiven and forgotten easily, but not the girl.
Which leads me to the question I always get asked: "why don't you work with teenage boys too? And all I'll say is that, as girls we have deep, emotional, thoughts and feelings. We feel many things all at once. Some days we think we look hot, some days we can't get out of bed and face the world. Sometimes we love our friends and sometimes a friend we thought was so great, says something sarcastic or mean in that "nice" kind of way (you know what I mean- you know her too. She wants to make a dig at you, but she does it as a joke or she starts out by saying "no offense") I have a very deep passion to encourage and inspire girls to stay strong, positive and confident. Especially when the world makes it feel impossible.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
I did my best to avoid the opposite sex. I was insecure, but I was very shy as well. So shy that male attention made me feel uncomfortable. I would see girls around me make fools of themselves in front of boys because they were starving for any reaction. They NEEDED that male attention, like they needed sleep or food. They thought it was going to make them feel better about themselves, but they were doing things that would be wake up calls later and things they would really regret. When my friends were hanging out with guys (we went to an all girls school) I would make up an excuse and not go. I don't know if part of the reason why I didn't try to feed my insecurity with any male attention was because I grew up with so many brothers or what. All I know is that I fed my insecurity by just being miserable, depressed, withdrawn and moody.
I had VERY strong intense crushes and infatuations with boys. Most of my journals are filled with pages and pages of my dramatic (and very funny) feelings, but I couldn't act on it or flirt or anything. At times I would find myself getting very jealous when girls were so confident and composed.
I try to educate girls on staying strong and not ignoring themselves and their instincts if at any time they feel uncomfortable. If a part inside is whispering that they might be doing something they'll regret. But we don't always do and sometimes it backfires. My heart goes out to girls that make mistakes and then are forever called names for making them. The guy gets forgiven and forgotten easily, but not the girl.
Which leads me to the question I always get asked: "why don't you work with teenage boys too? And all I'll say is that, as girls we have deep, emotional, thoughts and feelings. We feel many things all at once. Some days we think we look hot, some days we can't get out of bed and face the world. Sometimes we love our friends and sometimes a friend we thought was so great, says something sarcastic or mean in that "nice" kind of way (you know what I mean- you know her too. She wants to make a dig at you, but she does it as a joke or she starts out by saying "no offense") I have a very deep passion to encourage and inspire girls to stay strong, positive and confident. Especially when the world makes it feel impossible.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Friday, March 30, 2012
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Sensitive.
That word has followed me my whole life. I grew up thinking it was some kind of bad thing. It felt like a label people kept using to describe me.
It's a good virtue. It's a quality that many people lack. As I've gotten more comfortable with myself I've learned to embrace it. I'm thankful, now, that I'm a sensitive and empathetic person. But as a teen/adolescent it tortured me. I somehow learned in some twisted way that it was a way of calling me weak. Fragile. Made out of glass.
I DO cry at a pin drop and yes, I have had some pretty embarrassing moments crying in public. As a young girl I felt myself actually get jealous when I saw someone able to control their tears, swallow them and let them all come tumble out, somewhere private. For the life of me, I've tried. Inevitably, my sensitivity felt like a curse.
I was called, "cry baby" all the time. "Stop being so sensitive" was said to me over and over again. But what I really heard was, "stop being so weak and get over it already."
Labels. There are plenty, but I'll name a few. Fat, ugly, nerdy, skinny, gay, loser, slut....on and on and on...Yeah, I know sensitive/cry baby is nothing compared to some of these, but to me, it meant so much more. Sometimes, we have no idea what little words said over and over are actually doing. (Sometimes we DO know, but that's another blog entry- entirely.)
It became such a vicious cycle. The more I couldn't control those damn tears, the more I got the comments and people telling me to "just stop already"and I came to hate myself even more.
I know now, that I'm a much stronger and capable person then I ever realized. When given the opportunity to just be ME, I learned that being sensitive wasn't a bad thing. It was not a curse. It was a blessing.
That word has followed me my whole life. I grew up thinking it was some kind of bad thing. It felt like a label people kept using to describe me.
It's a good virtue. It's a quality that many people lack. As I've gotten more comfortable with myself I've learned to embrace it. I'm thankful, now, that I'm a sensitive and empathetic person. But as a teen/adolescent it tortured me. I somehow learned in some twisted way that it was a way of calling me weak. Fragile. Made out of glass.
I DO cry at a pin drop and yes, I have had some pretty embarrassing moments crying in public. As a young girl I felt myself actually get jealous when I saw someone able to control their tears, swallow them and let them all come tumble out, somewhere private. For the life of me, I've tried. Inevitably, my sensitivity felt like a curse.
I was called, "cry baby" all the time. "Stop being so sensitive" was said to me over and over again. But what I really heard was, "stop being so weak and get over it already."
Labels. There are plenty, but I'll name a few. Fat, ugly, nerdy, skinny, gay, loser, slut....on and on and on...Yeah, I know sensitive/cry baby is nothing compared to some of these, but to me, it meant so much more. Sometimes, we have no idea what little words said over and over are actually doing. (Sometimes we DO know, but that's another blog entry- entirely.)
 |
| An excerpt from my diary (7th grade) |
 |
| And another |
I was in someone's office yesterday, and she had 2 rules up on the wall. (She works in a middle school) BE NICE AND WORK HARD. Nice. It's a simple word and it's pretty simple to do.
So let's all just try to be nice today.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
Friday, March 9, 2012
The love/hate relationship
What's worse then Hell? Well, that's what junior high and high school would have been if Facebook had been around. As some of you may know from my older posts, my adolescent/teen years were especially challenging. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been, if Facebook had been created then.
Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for certain things. It's great for advertising and networking. It's amazing when it comes to keeping in touch with a best friend all the way in Australia. It's fun to post pics here and there. It's not all bad (especially when you can use that amazing "hide" tool to "hide" what you don't really care to see). It's not bad, if it genuinely makes you smile and laugh. It can even make you happy. Especially on your birthday, when your wall is full of sweet messages.
If you're not in a good place though, it can be really harmful. A few years ago I had to deactivate my account. I was pregnant with my daughter and I was feeling really yucky. Something about seeing other people's pictures was making me feel worse. It might have been the hormones or something, but comparing myself to others was getting a little out of control and I needed a break. I knew what to do to take care of myself and I HOPE I would have known as a teen too.
Friends say to me at times things like, "Wow, she goes on vacation a lot" or "Look what her husband did for her..." and I have to say it again and again- the thing about Facebook is that you can completely stay behind the doors you want the whole world to see. What I mean by that, is you can upload the pictures where you look good. You can post the fun things you're doing. You can show the world what you got on Valentine's Day. If you have any sadness or feelings of insecurity, going on Facebook is going to magnify those feelings and make them completely worse. A friend of mine, had to take herself off of Facebook a couple years ago, because she was feeling crappy and single and was constantly reminded how everyone around her SEEMED like they were moving on with their relationships and she was being left behind.
How is any teen supposed to get over being dumped if their on Facebook? I can't help but think about the first time a guy broke up with me and how much more difficult and depressing it would have been if Facebook was around. I think about all those times I felt excluded and left out and how worse it would have been if not only I wasn't invited to the party, but if I had to see pictures too. Seriously? Being a teen was hard enough when I was one, how hard is it now?
Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for certain things. It's great for advertising and networking. It's amazing when it comes to keeping in touch with a best friend all the way in Australia. It's fun to post pics here and there. It's not all bad (especially when you can use that amazing "hide" tool to "hide" what you don't really care to see). It's not bad, if it genuinely makes you smile and laugh. It can even make you happy. Especially on your birthday, when your wall is full of sweet messages.
If you're not in a good place though, it can be really harmful. A few years ago I had to deactivate my account. I was pregnant with my daughter and I was feeling really yucky. Something about seeing other people's pictures was making me feel worse. It might have been the hormones or something, but comparing myself to others was getting a little out of control and I needed a break. I knew what to do to take care of myself and I HOPE I would have known as a teen too.
Friends say to me at times things like, "Wow, she goes on vacation a lot" or "Look what her husband did for her..." and I have to say it again and again- the thing about Facebook is that you can completely stay behind the doors you want the whole world to see. What I mean by that, is you can upload the pictures where you look good. You can post the fun things you're doing. You can show the world what you got on Valentine's Day. If you have any sadness or feelings of insecurity, going on Facebook is going to magnify those feelings and make them completely worse. A friend of mine, had to take herself off of Facebook a couple years ago, because she was feeling crappy and single and was constantly reminded how everyone around her SEEMED like they were moving on with their relationships and she was being left behind.
How is any teen supposed to get over being dumped if their on Facebook? I can't help but think about the first time a guy broke up with me and how much more difficult and depressing it would have been if Facebook was around. I think about all those times I felt excluded and left out and how worse it would have been if not only I wasn't invited to the party, but if I had to see pictures too. Seriously? Being a teen was hard enough when I was one, how hard is it now?
Now more the ever, teens need to be so much more self aware. If they use Facebook they really have to be strong, and confident. As Mothers, teachers, mentors, etc, please educate your daughters, students and friends. Show them how to use Facebook in moderation and try to teach them how to take care of themselves if it's leading to self destruction.
If it's not helping your confidence it's ok to take a break. Do what you need in order to take care of YOU.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com
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