It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Sensitive.
That word has followed me my whole life. I grew up thinking it was some kind of bad thing. It felt like a label people kept using to describe me.
It's a good virtue. It's a quality that many people lack. As I've gotten more comfortable with myself I've learned to embrace it. I'm thankful, now, that I'm a sensitive and empathetic person. But as a teen/adolescent it tortured me. I somehow learned in some twisted way that it was a way of calling me weak. Fragile. Made out of glass.
I DO cry at a pin drop and yes, I have had some pretty embarrassing moments crying in public. As a young girl I felt myself actually get jealous when I saw someone able to control their tears, swallow them and let them all come tumble out, somewhere private. For the life of me, I've tried. Inevitably, my sensitivity felt like a curse.
I was called, "cry baby" all the time. "Stop being so sensitive" was said to me over and over again. But what I really heard was, "stop being so weak and get over it already."
Labels. There are plenty, but I'll name a few. Fat, ugly, nerdy, skinny, gay, loser, slut....on and on and on...Yeah, I know sensitive/cry baby is nothing compared to some of these, but to me, it meant so much more. Sometimes, we have no idea what little words said over and over are actually doing. (Sometimes we DO know, but that's another blog entry- entirely.)

An excerpt from my diary (7th grade)

It became such a vicious cycle. The more I couldn't control those damn tears,  the more I got the comments and people telling me to "just stop already"and I came to hate myself even more.

And another

I know now, that I'm a much stronger and capable person then I ever realized. When given the opportunity to just be ME, I learned that being sensitive wasn't a bad thing. It was not a curse. It was a blessing. 

I was in someone's office yesterday, and she had 2 rules up on the wall. (She works in a middle school) BE NICE AND WORK HARD. Nice. It's a simple word and it's pretty simple to do. 

So let's all just try to be nice today.

Always,

Tova 

TEENminded.com

The love/hate relationship

What's worse then Hell? Well, that's what junior high and high school would have been if Facebook had been around. As some of you may know from my older posts, my adolescent/teen years were especially challenging. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been, if Facebook had been created then.
Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for certain things. It's great for advertising and networking. It's amazing when it comes to keeping in touch with a best friend all the way in Australia. It's fun to post pics here and there. It's not all bad (especially when you can use that amazing "hide" tool to "hide" what you don't really care to see). It's not bad, if it genuinely makes you smile and laugh. It can even make you happy. Especially on your birthday, when your wall is full of sweet messages.
If you're not in a good place though, it can be really harmful. A few years ago I had to deactivate my account. I was pregnant with my daughter and I was feeling really yucky. Something about seeing other people's pictures was making me feel worse. It might have been the hormones or something, but comparing myself to others was getting a little out of control and I needed a break. I knew what to do to take care of myself and I HOPE I would have known as a teen too.
Friends say to me at times things like, "Wow, she goes on vacation a lot" or "Look what her husband did for her..." and I have to say it again and again- the thing about Facebook is that you can completely stay behind the doors you want the whole world to see. What I mean by that, is you can upload the pictures where you look good. You can post the fun things you're doing. You can show the world what you got on Valentine's Day. If you have any sadness or feelings of insecurity, going on Facebook is going to magnify those feelings and make them completely worse. A friend of mine, had to take herself off of Facebook a couple years ago, because she was feeling crappy and single and was constantly reminded how everyone around her SEEMED like they were moving on with their relationships and she was being left behind.
How is any teen supposed to get over being dumped if their on Facebook? I can't help but think about the first time a guy broke up with me and how much more difficult and depressing it would have been if Facebook was around.  I think about all those times I felt excluded and left out and how worse it would have been if not only I wasn't invited to the party, but if I had to see pictures too. Seriously? Being a teen was hard enough when I was one, how hard is it now?

Now more the ever, teens need to be so much more self aware. If they use Facebook they really have to be strong, and confident. As Mothers, teachers, mentors, etc, please educate your daughters, students and friends. Show them how to use Facebook in moderation and try to teach them how to take care of themselves if it's leading to self destruction. 

If it's not helping your confidence it's ok to take a break.  Do what you need in order to take care of YOU.

Always,

Tova

TEENminded.com