The Myth of Being Perfect

I know I'm not the only one that can be really hard on myself. The pressure's always there to be perfect in all parts of life. The wife, the mother, the daughter, the coach, the everything...
In high school, I was constantly disappointed in myself for not being the person I wish I was. What I did to myself was completely unrealistic and completely unfair. It was a vicious cycle of feeling useless and worthless.
I learned slowly how to actually like and appreciate myself. I have accepted that I'm not always going to be great at everything and I'm not always going to make everyone happy. It's OK that I'm going to mess up and at the end of the day- everything is going to be fine.
Here are some different ways I got my life headed in the direction I wanted:

1. No more toxic friendships- I got sick and tired of spending time with people that made me feel down right bad about myself and spent my time with people that actually brought me up and made me happy.
2. Start taking responsibility- At the end of the day it was up to me and the choices I made- If I was still feeling miserable and down it was up to me to take responsibility and if I wanted to feel better about myself I had to take action to get there.
3. Lower expectations of myself- I had to be realistic and realize that trying to be perfect at everything was just not going to happen. I learned to feel good knowing that I just tried my best.
4. Lower expectations of others without judgement- The less I expected from others, (but at the same time recognized that people were human), the less disappointed I was at their short comings.
5. Keep a tight grip on your dreams- No matter how bad things seemed, I still tried to hold on to things I aspired to do in life. I had to have faith that it could happen one day.
6. Take risks (big or small)- Pushing myself to do things that scared the heck out of me, made a huge impact on my life.  I would have never known the feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction without taking the risk to begin with.
7. Be grateful- I started listing all the things I was thankful for. Small, silly things and then bigger things. This is still something I do each and every night.
And all this lead to the most valuable thing...
8. Self awareness- It's the thing that makes us stop and think for a second, "Am I being fair to myself right now?" or, "Are my expectations really realistic at this moment?"
In the end, this list had a major part in helping me. I hope that it's helpful for those who struggle with being too hard on themselves or striving to be perfect all the time.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

Me? Drama queen?

When I was a teenager the amount of insecurity I felt was kind of insane. Thinking about myself at that age is like thinking about a stranger. As a teen girl we all deal with our insecurities differently. Some bully as a way to release some of that anger and sadness, some act like class clown so that at least they can make people laugh, some act really promiscuous- any attention is better then none...
I  did my best to avoid the opposite sex. I was insecure, but I was very shy as well. So shy that male attention made me feel uncomfortable. I would see girls around me make fools of themselves in front of boys because they were starving for any reaction. They NEEDED that male attention, like they needed sleep or food. They thought it was going to make them feel better about themselves, but they were doing things that would be wake up calls later and things they would really regret. When my friends were hanging out with guys (we went to an all girls school) I would make up an excuse and not go. I don't know if part of the reason why I didn't try to feed my insecurity with any male attention was because I grew up with so many brothers or what. All I know is that I fed my insecurity by just being miserable, depressed, withdrawn and moody.
I had VERY strong intense crushes and infatuations with boys. Most of my journals are filled with pages and pages of my dramatic (and very funny) feelings, but I couldn't act on it or flirt or anything. At times I would find myself getting very jealous when girls were so confident and composed.
I try to educate girls on staying strong and not ignoring themselves and their instincts if at any time they feel uncomfortable. If a part inside is whispering that they might be doing something they'll regret. But we don't always do and sometimes it backfires. My heart goes out to girls that make mistakes and then are forever called names for making them. The guy gets forgiven and forgotten easily, but not the girl.
Which leads me to the question I always get asked: "why don't you work with teenage boys too? And all I'll say is that, as girls we have deep, emotional, thoughts and feelings. We feel many things all at once. Some days we think we look hot, some days we can't get out of bed and face the world. Sometimes we love our friends and sometimes a friend we thought was so great, says something sarcastic or mean in that "nice" kind of way (you know what I mean- you know her too. She wants to make a dig at you, but she does it as a joke or she starts out by saying "no offense") I have a very deep passion to encourage and inspire girls to stay strong, positive and confident. Especially when the world makes it feel impossible.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Sensitive.
That word has followed me my whole life. I grew up thinking it was some kind of bad thing. It felt like a label people kept using to describe me.
It's a good virtue. It's a quality that many people lack. As I've gotten more comfortable with myself I've learned to embrace it. I'm thankful, now, that I'm a sensitive and empathetic person. But as a teen/adolescent it tortured me. I somehow learned in some twisted way that it was a way of calling me weak. Fragile. Made out of glass.
I DO cry at a pin drop and yes, I have had some pretty embarrassing moments crying in public. As a young girl I felt myself actually get jealous when I saw someone able to control their tears, swallow them and let them all come tumble out, somewhere private. For the life of me, I've tried. Inevitably, my sensitivity felt like a curse.
I was called, "cry baby" all the time. "Stop being so sensitive" was said to me over and over again. But what I really heard was, "stop being so weak and get over it already."
Labels. There are plenty, but I'll name a few. Fat, ugly, nerdy, skinny, gay, loser, slut....on and on and on...Yeah, I know sensitive/cry baby is nothing compared to some of these, but to me, it meant so much more. Sometimes, we have no idea what little words said over and over are actually doing. (Sometimes we DO know, but that's another blog entry- entirely.)

An excerpt from my diary (7th grade)

It became such a vicious cycle. The more I couldn't control those damn tears,  the more I got the comments and people telling me to "just stop already"and I came to hate myself even more.

And another

I know now, that I'm a much stronger and capable person then I ever realized. When given the opportunity to just be ME, I learned that being sensitive wasn't a bad thing. It was not a curse. It was a blessing. 

I was in someone's office yesterday, and she had 2 rules up on the wall. (She works in a middle school) BE NICE AND WORK HARD. Nice. It's a simple word and it's pretty simple to do. 

So let's all just try to be nice today.

Always,

Tova 

TEENminded.com

The love/hate relationship

What's worse then Hell? Well, that's what junior high and high school would have been if Facebook had been around. As some of you may know from my older posts, my adolescent/teen years were especially challenging. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been, if Facebook had been created then.
Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for certain things. It's great for advertising and networking. It's amazing when it comes to keeping in touch with a best friend all the way in Australia. It's fun to post pics here and there. It's not all bad (especially when you can use that amazing "hide" tool to "hide" what you don't really care to see). It's not bad, if it genuinely makes you smile and laugh. It can even make you happy. Especially on your birthday, when your wall is full of sweet messages.
If you're not in a good place though, it can be really harmful. A few years ago I had to deactivate my account. I was pregnant with my daughter and I was feeling really yucky. Something about seeing other people's pictures was making me feel worse. It might have been the hormones or something, but comparing myself to others was getting a little out of control and I needed a break. I knew what to do to take care of myself and I HOPE I would have known as a teen too.
Friends say to me at times things like, "Wow, she goes on vacation a lot" or "Look what her husband did for her..." and I have to say it again and again- the thing about Facebook is that you can completely stay behind the doors you want the whole world to see. What I mean by that, is you can upload the pictures where you look good. You can post the fun things you're doing. You can show the world what you got on Valentine's Day. If you have any sadness or feelings of insecurity, going on Facebook is going to magnify those feelings and make them completely worse. A friend of mine, had to take herself off of Facebook a couple years ago, because she was feeling crappy and single and was constantly reminded how everyone around her SEEMED like they were moving on with their relationships and she was being left behind.
How is any teen supposed to get over being dumped if their on Facebook? I can't help but think about the first time a guy broke up with me and how much more difficult and depressing it would have been if Facebook was around.  I think about all those times I felt excluded and left out and how worse it would have been if not only I wasn't invited to the party, but if I had to see pictures too. Seriously? Being a teen was hard enough when I was one, how hard is it now?

Now more the ever, teens need to be so much more self aware. If they use Facebook they really have to be strong, and confident. As Mothers, teachers, mentors, etc, please educate your daughters, students and friends. Show them how to use Facebook in moderation and try to teach them how to take care of themselves if it's leading to self destruction. 

If it's not helping your confidence it's ok to take a break.  Do what you need in order to take care of YOU.

Always,

Tova

TEENminded.com

And then there was a knot

At TEENminded something comes up over and over again in our coaching and workshops. And that something, is listen to yourself. Allowing your instinct to lead you. What we at TEENminded call our inner whisper. We all have an instinct- we just tend to ignore it way too often. The whisper soon enough becomes a big loud shout. I heard Oprah say it perfectly once. (Yes, Oprah.) It went something like this: So many people have "cold feet" at their wedding. That it's normal. That were all nervous on the big day. But it's not just "cold feet". It's your instinct telling you something. Your gut warning you, that you're about to make a big mistake.

I was 14 or 15 and it felt like all my friends had either boyfriends or guys that liked them. Anyway, they were getting some kind of attention from the opposite sex and I felt really pressured to be like the rest of them. I pressured myself. I got involved with a guy I knew was totally wrong for me just because I wanted to show myself I wasn't a loser. He wasn't a bad guy he just wasn't for me. I had such low self esteem, I thought this was my answer. The "relationship" basically consisted of AOL instant messenger (in the days before ichat) and getting rides from which ever adult that was willing to drive us. My friends still crack up today when this (very short) period of my life is brought up, because they remember me literally throwing up on myself from being a nervous, immature idiot. I was so uncomfortable pretending to be someone I wasn't. My instinct gave up. And my body sent me a message in the form of a big knot.

Needless to say I learned and I never did that again.

The whisper's there for a good reason. Trust yourself. No one knows you better then you.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

Bah Bah Black Sheep

Throughout adolescence and my teen years I couldn't help, but feel different. Let's start with the fact that I'm the only girl with a family of 5 brothers. Growing up as the only girl was pretty crazy. I don't know how else to put it. On a typical day, male cousins and my brothers friends would be all over the place. So needless to say that's a lot of testosterone. I never felt like I belonged.  My parents got divorced when I was 5. Practically everyone has parents that are divorced, I know, but when you're a kid you inevitably feel like something is majorly wrong with your family. Not too mention, my Dad was also well known where I grew up. (I was raised in a close knit modern-orthodox Jewish community, where everyone knows everybody else's business.)  As a very insecure 14 year old, the last thing you want is MORE attention.
Oh, but feeling different didn't end there. As a kid, I was put in every remedial class available. Sometimes I questioned whether something was REALLY wrong with me. I joke about it now (what else can I do?), but I remember those classes like the back of my hand. Then, in junior high while it SEEMED like everyone else had boyfriends I didn't until I was about 16. Again, you ask yourself, "Why? What do they have that I don't?" Meanwhile people are always taking you out of class because you need more testing, the guidance counselor needs to see you..... why couldn't my brain work like every one else? Then, 12th grade graduation rolls around and all your friends are going to college in New York. I felt like I was being left behind. We all made choices and I chose to stay in LA with my serious boyfriend (who later, would become my husband). It was the right decision for me, but it didn't help the ongoing feeling that I had, of the black sheep.
No teen ever wants to feel like a freak. The last thing we wanted was to feel different. We aimed to be just like everybody else. Even when we were expressing ourselves as goth, punk, emo, etc etc, we yearned for acceptance. Some of us pretended not to care (i.e: me), but we did.
Countless journals from my past, all have entries of feeling lonely, isolated, feeling like a freak/weirdo. I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn't really PRESENT at all.
I used to get annoyed when I saw a group of girls that all looked the same. I don't really blame them now. We all find comfort and security in diverse ways. For me, I felt like I was so different and weird already, that I shopped at vintage stores and I tried hard to BE different. (In my 15 year old brain it was called being an "individual"). I found a sort of solace in that. If those girls feel comfort and secure, then so be it. I just HOPE that they have their OWN identity. That they are at least trying to figure out who they are.
If it's tough to be yourself as an adult, then how hard is it as a teen? It's hard as hell, but I can honestly say at the end of the day, it was well worth staying as true to myself, as I possibly could.

Me at age 12

Me at age 15

Always,

Tova

TEENminded.com

Eye roll

I am so good at rolling my eyes. Just ask my husband. I'm convinced that I'm an expert at it, because when I was a teen and people used to tell me I was pretty (or give me any kind of compliment for that matter) I'd roll my eyes. I still catch myself doing it sometimes, but I seriously had to TRAIN myself to receive compliments. If we're being totally honest I don't think I could have trained myself to receive them, if I didn't practice giving them as well. I wasn't really very good at that either. I was probably better at being jealous and more mean to myself as a result. I found that the more I actually smiled and said something genuinely nice to someone, it was easier for me to say thank you (and maybe even believe it) when someone said something nice to me.
I used to roll my eyes (of course) when those "self help" books used to say things like: "repeat over and over- I'm beautiful". My 16 year old self was like, "Ya right, what crap". Maybe it would have worked, I don't know, I never really tried it (I was too busy rolling my eyes). But I can honestly say that once I broke the bad habit of saying, "shut up", when I was given a compliment and instead, said thank you, I started to actually kind of believe what people said. Yes, its true, I could only start really doing this because I was a much happier person by then. But you know, I might have been a little happier then too, if I actually smiled more.  If I gave more compliments. If I didn't have a bad attitude when someone took the time out to say something sweet.
So, if you're anything like me and the next time someone gives you a compliment and you feel like rolling your eyes, Pause. Take it in, smile and say thank you. You might actually start believing it.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

The adventures of mylanta

When thinking about high school- which I honestly do a lot- I think about how hard I was on myself. I have always had a tendency to do that, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I have learned (a lot of the time, the hard way) to give myself a break and I'm even nice to myself now that I'm reaching 30. I used to beat myself up all the time- don't know how I didn't exhaust myself from all the abuse. Yes, the school I attended didn't help, but I wish I could go back to high school sometimes and tell my 15 year old self to chill out and not let everything be such a big deal. Both my mind and body suffered from the stress and pressure. Yes, the school had a lot to do with it, but I take full responsibility on how I handled it. The fact that I had to carry a little bottle of mylanta with me wherever I went, because I suffered from anxiety and horrible stomach aches, was my first clue that I needed to calm down.
High school wasn't all bad. Thank Gd for the amazing group of girls that still remain close. Some of the best times of my life were shared with them and because of them. Yet, I still focused on all the things I convinced myself to keep thinking. Some examples (and these are the "gentler" ones): stupid, worthless, good for nothing, too sensitive, uptight..... blah blah blah.....
It went by so fast and I spent too much time crying and not enough time laughing. It was a complete waste, spending all that time being utterly miserable. The minute I graduated and all the pressure I had put on myself was gone, I didn't need the green magic bottle of mylanta anymore. No joke.
A few years ago, it dawned on me that-yes the school was hard and everything, but I WAS NOT any of those awful things I listed above. We were NOT put on this earth to abuse ourselves. We are smart, strong, thoughtful....Be kind to yourself today AND tomorrow. Laughing feels, a hell of a lot better, then crying.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

The birth of TEENminded (oh, and Tova)

I started TEENminded with my sister in law, Sinaia (more about my wife in a second), after years and years of figuring out my purpose in life. I know that sounds really fluffy but it's true. anyone who knows me knows that as far as my "work" part of life goes-it was lacking.
I used to tell myself (or more like- CONVINCE) myself that I was happy being a stay at home mom and housewife. "I'll be busy enough", "I don't need to", "How could I possibly do both?" were all things I said. I can honestly say now that it was just stuff I said to cover up the fact that I had no idea what I would do with my life professionally. When I graduated high school I was so freaking happy, I never had to go back to that place ever again. (I also didn't have to carry milanta everywhere I went either-but that's another entry for a different day) I started working as an assistant in Early childhood education and ended up working in schools for 5 years. I got pregnant and that was it. I'm a mother now to a 2 1/2 year old daughter Alissa, and 7 month old son, Zac. I love being a mother. My favorite part of my day is in the morning (right after I literally DRAG myself out of bed, and I mean drag, while thinking, "nooooo I need just a few more minutes. Pleeeeeeeease.....") and getting my kids out of bed and seeing Zac's huge smile, smiling up at me and picking up his sister and smelling her scent and snuggling her warm, cushy body. They are my 2 most favorite people on this earth.
Ok so saying ALL of that, when Zac was about 4 months old, it dawned on me that everyday at around 3:30pm I literally would be counting down the minutes until my husband got home. Waiting and waiting to hear his car pull up. Let me clear this up- I wasn't waiting because I needed his help-I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful woman, Maria helping me (thank Gd for her!!!) I was waiting for him- because I was so utterly BORED. Bored out of my brain. I'm sorry all you mothers out there who LOVE the park and running around with their kids and holding your baby in your baby bjorn AND helping your toddler on the swings. I'm not that mother. I wish I was and I wish more that I could say I can't get enough of baby talk and discussing my babies poop cycle with other moms. I can't. I've become the mom at play dates who can't wait to go to work. I never thought I would be that mom. Like I said, I thought I was going to be with my kids all day, going to the market and cooking dinner. I do cook dinner most nights, but now it takes me 15-30 minutes- not 2 hours (thank you Rachael Ray).
Ok so back to the birth of TEENminded. I was working out with Sinaia about 3 times a week and I'm a talker. NOT a gossiper. I don't like to talk about people- I like to talk about issues and the challenges girls face. There's nothing I like more then talking about things that I'm passionate about. It just so happens that Sinaia is exactly the same way.
SOME things that I can't shut up about, once you get me started:
-Girls who don't fit the cookie cutter mold of what their "supposed" to be.
-Girls who hate what they see when they look in the mirror (I know that toooo well. That was me in my adolescent and teen years)
-Girls who feel alone/different/invisible
-Girls that think they are nothing and worthless
-Girls thinking and aspiring to be what they read in books, movies and magazines. It is fiction!! That is why we read and watch that stuff. To escape. I love The Notebook and Twilight as much as the next girl, but we will NEVER dance with Ryan Gosling in the middle of the street or have Jacob and Edward fighting for us. Im sorry.
Basically we are all passionate about things that are close to our heart and for me (and Sinaia) thats empowering and inspiring girls to really feel good about themselves and showing them that they can DO and BE whoever they want in life.
TEENminded was born so that we could get our message across and hopefully girls can be who they want to be and just get some help from us, to do just that.
That's it for now.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com