And then there was a knot

At TEENminded something comes up over and over again in our coaching and workshops. And that something, is listen to yourself. Allowing your instinct to lead you. What we at TEENminded call our inner whisper. We all have an instinct- we just tend to ignore it way too often. The whisper soon enough becomes a big loud shout. I heard Oprah say it perfectly once. (Yes, Oprah.) It went something like this: So many people have "cold feet" at their wedding. That it's normal. That were all nervous on the big day. But it's not just "cold feet". It's your instinct telling you something. Your gut warning you, that you're about to make a big mistake.

I was 14 or 15 and it felt like all my friends had either boyfriends or guys that liked them. Anyway, they were getting some kind of attention from the opposite sex and I felt really pressured to be like the rest of them. I pressured myself. I got involved with a guy I knew was totally wrong for me just because I wanted to show myself I wasn't a loser. He wasn't a bad guy he just wasn't for me. I had such low self esteem, I thought this was my answer. The "relationship" basically consisted of AOL instant messenger (in the days before ichat) and getting rides from which ever adult that was willing to drive us. My friends still crack up today when this (very short) period of my life is brought up, because they remember me literally throwing up on myself from being a nervous, immature idiot. I was so uncomfortable pretending to be someone I wasn't. My instinct gave up. And my body sent me a message in the form of a big knot.

Needless to say I learned and I never did that again.

The whisper's there for a good reason. Trust yourself. No one knows you better then you.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

Bah Bah Black Sheep

Throughout adolescence and my teen years I couldn't help, but feel different. Let's start with the fact that I'm the only girl with a family of 5 brothers. Growing up as the only girl was pretty crazy. I don't know how else to put it. On a typical day, male cousins and my brothers friends would be all over the place. So needless to say that's a lot of testosterone. I never felt like I belonged.  My parents got divorced when I was 5. Practically everyone has parents that are divorced, I know, but when you're a kid you inevitably feel like something is majorly wrong with your family. Not too mention, my Dad was also well known where I grew up. (I was raised in a close knit modern-orthodox Jewish community, where everyone knows everybody else's business.)  As a very insecure 14 year old, the last thing you want is MORE attention.
Oh, but feeling different didn't end there. As a kid, I was put in every remedial class available. Sometimes I questioned whether something was REALLY wrong with me. I joke about it now (what else can I do?), but I remember those classes like the back of my hand. Then, in junior high while it SEEMED like everyone else had boyfriends I didn't until I was about 16. Again, you ask yourself, "Why? What do they have that I don't?" Meanwhile people are always taking you out of class because you need more testing, the guidance counselor needs to see you..... why couldn't my brain work like every one else? Then, 12th grade graduation rolls around and all your friends are going to college in New York. I felt like I was being left behind. We all made choices and I chose to stay in LA with my serious boyfriend (who later, would become my husband). It was the right decision for me, but it didn't help the ongoing feeling that I had, of the black sheep.
No teen ever wants to feel like a freak. The last thing we wanted was to feel different. We aimed to be just like everybody else. Even when we were expressing ourselves as goth, punk, emo, etc etc, we yearned for acceptance. Some of us pretended not to care (i.e: me), but we did.
Countless journals from my past, all have entries of feeling lonely, isolated, feeling like a freak/weirdo. I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn't really PRESENT at all.
I used to get annoyed when I saw a group of girls that all looked the same. I don't really blame them now. We all find comfort and security in diverse ways. For me, I felt like I was so different and weird already, that I shopped at vintage stores and I tried hard to BE different. (In my 15 year old brain it was called being an "individual"). I found a sort of solace in that. If those girls feel comfort and secure, then so be it. I just HOPE that they have their OWN identity. That they are at least trying to figure out who they are.
If it's tough to be yourself as an adult, then how hard is it as a teen? It's hard as hell, but I can honestly say at the end of the day, it was well worth staying as true to myself, as I possibly could.

Me at age 12

Me at age 15

Always,

Tova

TEENminded.com

Eye roll

I am so good at rolling my eyes. Just ask my husband. I'm convinced that I'm an expert at it, because when I was a teen and people used to tell me I was pretty (or give me any kind of compliment for that matter) I'd roll my eyes. I still catch myself doing it sometimes, but I seriously had to TRAIN myself to receive compliments. If we're being totally honest I don't think I could have trained myself to receive them, if I didn't practice giving them as well. I wasn't really very good at that either. I was probably better at being jealous and more mean to myself as a result. I found that the more I actually smiled and said something genuinely nice to someone, it was easier for me to say thank you (and maybe even believe it) when someone said something nice to me.
I used to roll my eyes (of course) when those "self help" books used to say things like: "repeat over and over- I'm beautiful". My 16 year old self was like, "Ya right, what crap". Maybe it would have worked, I don't know, I never really tried it (I was too busy rolling my eyes). But I can honestly say that once I broke the bad habit of saying, "shut up", when I was given a compliment and instead, said thank you, I started to actually kind of believe what people said. Yes, its true, I could only start really doing this because I was a much happier person by then. But you know, I might have been a little happier then too, if I actually smiled more.  If I gave more compliments. If I didn't have a bad attitude when someone took the time out to say something sweet.
So, if you're anything like me and the next time someone gives you a compliment and you feel like rolling your eyes, Pause. Take it in, smile and say thank you. You might actually start believing it.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

The adventures of mylanta

When thinking about high school- which I honestly do a lot- I think about how hard I was on myself. I have always had a tendency to do that, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I have learned (a lot of the time, the hard way) to give myself a break and I'm even nice to myself now that I'm reaching 30. I used to beat myself up all the time- don't know how I didn't exhaust myself from all the abuse. Yes, the school I attended didn't help, but I wish I could go back to high school sometimes and tell my 15 year old self to chill out and not let everything be such a big deal. Both my mind and body suffered from the stress and pressure. Yes, the school had a lot to do with it, but I take full responsibility on how I handled it. The fact that I had to carry a little bottle of mylanta with me wherever I went, because I suffered from anxiety and horrible stomach aches, was my first clue that I needed to calm down.
High school wasn't all bad. Thank Gd for the amazing group of girls that still remain close. Some of the best times of my life were shared with them and because of them. Yet, I still focused on all the things I convinced myself to keep thinking. Some examples (and these are the "gentler" ones): stupid, worthless, good for nothing, too sensitive, uptight..... blah blah blah.....
It went by so fast and I spent too much time crying and not enough time laughing. It was a complete waste, spending all that time being utterly miserable. The minute I graduated and all the pressure I had put on myself was gone, I didn't need the green magic bottle of mylanta anymore. No joke.
A few years ago, it dawned on me that-yes the school was hard and everything, but I WAS NOT any of those awful things I listed above. We were NOT put on this earth to abuse ourselves. We are smart, strong, thoughtful....Be kind to yourself today AND tomorrow. Laughing feels, a hell of a lot better, then crying.

Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com

The birth of TEENminded (oh, and Tova)

I started TEENminded with my sister in law, Sinaia (more about my wife in a second), after years and years of figuring out my purpose in life. I know that sounds really fluffy but it's true. anyone who knows me knows that as far as my "work" part of life goes-it was lacking.
I used to tell myself (or more like- CONVINCE) myself that I was happy being a stay at home mom and housewife. "I'll be busy enough", "I don't need to", "How could I possibly do both?" were all things I said. I can honestly say now that it was just stuff I said to cover up the fact that I had no idea what I would do with my life professionally. When I graduated high school I was so freaking happy, I never had to go back to that place ever again. (I also didn't have to carry milanta everywhere I went either-but that's another entry for a different day) I started working as an assistant in Early childhood education and ended up working in schools for 5 years. I got pregnant and that was it. I'm a mother now to a 2 1/2 year old daughter Alissa, and 7 month old son, Zac. I love being a mother. My favorite part of my day is in the morning (right after I literally DRAG myself out of bed, and I mean drag, while thinking, "nooooo I need just a few more minutes. Pleeeeeeeease.....") and getting my kids out of bed and seeing Zac's huge smile, smiling up at me and picking up his sister and smelling her scent and snuggling her warm, cushy body. They are my 2 most favorite people on this earth.
Ok so saying ALL of that, when Zac was about 4 months old, it dawned on me that everyday at around 3:30pm I literally would be counting down the minutes until my husband got home. Waiting and waiting to hear his car pull up. Let me clear this up- I wasn't waiting because I needed his help-I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful woman, Maria helping me (thank Gd for her!!!) I was waiting for him- because I was so utterly BORED. Bored out of my brain. I'm sorry all you mothers out there who LOVE the park and running around with their kids and holding your baby in your baby bjorn AND helping your toddler on the swings. I'm not that mother. I wish I was and I wish more that I could say I can't get enough of baby talk and discussing my babies poop cycle with other moms. I can't. I've become the mom at play dates who can't wait to go to work. I never thought I would be that mom. Like I said, I thought I was going to be with my kids all day, going to the market and cooking dinner. I do cook dinner most nights, but now it takes me 15-30 minutes- not 2 hours (thank you Rachael Ray).
Ok so back to the birth of TEENminded. I was working out with Sinaia about 3 times a week and I'm a talker. NOT a gossiper. I don't like to talk about people- I like to talk about issues and the challenges girls face. There's nothing I like more then talking about things that I'm passionate about. It just so happens that Sinaia is exactly the same way.
SOME things that I can't shut up about, once you get me started:
-Girls who don't fit the cookie cutter mold of what their "supposed" to be.
-Girls who hate what they see when they look in the mirror (I know that toooo well. That was me in my adolescent and teen years)
-Girls who feel alone/different/invisible
-Girls that think they are nothing and worthless
-Girls thinking and aspiring to be what they read in books, movies and magazines. It is fiction!! That is why we read and watch that stuff. To escape. I love The Notebook and Twilight as much as the next girl, but we will NEVER dance with Ryan Gosling in the middle of the street or have Jacob and Edward fighting for us. Im sorry.
Basically we are all passionate about things that are close to our heart and for me (and Sinaia) thats empowering and inspiring girls to really feel good about themselves and showing them that they can DO and BE whoever they want in life.
TEENminded was born so that we could get our message across and hopefully girls can be who they want to be and just get some help from us, to do just that.
That's it for now.
Always,
Tova
TEENminded.com